I had a bad feeling all week, but kept pushing it off to being an over reactive mom. We were scheduled for our 12 week ultrasound Friday afternoon. They started the exam, but the baby was only measuring at 10 weeks 3 days. I was not processing what that meant, but I knew something was wrong. The technician was about to leave and talk to the doctor when I asked to listen to the heart beat.
"There's no heartbeat Lindsay." It was heartbreaking and I was caught so off guard. I did not have any symptoms and we saw the heart beating at 8 weeks. I personally know many women who have miscarried multiple times, some much later in their pregnancy and some that have even come close to loosing their own life during the miscarriage. I can't truly know what those woman felt, but I know the incredible sadness and pain I felt.
There's great sadness and many, questions. Why, was it something I did, at what point does the spirit enter the body, will that baby be part of our family forever or have a chance to come to earth again to get a body?
I don't think I'll get an answer to most of these questions in this life, but it's made me grateful for so many things. I've got an amazing support system from my friends and family. I have a loving and supportive husband. I have an amazing and healthy little girl that loves her mama. I have access to great medical care and insurance to help pay for it. I have faith and hope that we will be able to have more kids when the time is right.
I'm feeling better with each day and it will be good to get back into our normal routine on Wednesday. For now, we will keep growing together as a family and continue to know our Heaven Father is aware of us and has plan in place for our family.